The Grace Effect

For the cause of an orphan

2011-05-17T22:43:00.000-05:00

It started about 6 years ago, when Caden was just a little tyke. "I'm going to this adoption seminar that the seminary is hosting". "Ok" was my response. I didn't have much interest. Working full time, taking classes and heavily involved in a church, I didn't have time to think about orphans. I mean - we weren't really going to do that, were we? Adopt a child? Why would we need to do that - we had a healthy boy and Summer was pregnant with our second. I had two more semesters left and then it was time to find a ministry position. No, there was no time to think about an adoption - that was great for people like Steven Curtis Chapman and others, but it wasn't for me.

The topic kept coming up, and I kept saying, no, not really. Then, in the spring of 2009, the idea began to enter my mind all on my own and I actually started thinking... well, maybe. Just as I began considering it on my own, we received the news of our fourth pregnancy, and so the idea got shelved again. And, as you know, God had other plans for this fourth pregnancy.

After Michael's death, we committed ourselves for a year, based upon some sound advice, not to make a decision or even have a lot of discussion, toward having another child in our lives. When January came - the year anniversary of Michael's birth and death - it was as if God opened the door of our hearts and the door toward adoption all at once. And not only adoption, but the even deeper calling toward the cause of orphans and specifically a calling we have toward the orphans in Honduras.

So, after weeks of contemplating our next step, and Summer doing a TON of research, we decided to take a risk and apply through America World - an International Christian adoption agency. As of last week, they have accepted us into their Honduras program - God keeps opening up doors and we keep walking through them by faith.

This risk makes no sense - we don't have near the amount of money it takes to fund an adoption. However, in our perception of things, God often doesn't make sense. It probably didn't make much sense to Peter that he was able to stand on the water either - and his faith failed, yet he experienced God's hand pulling him up in that time of unbelief. I expect there will be times like that in this journey.

The call, however, is too great to be led by fear. We are called to make disciples and what an opportunity we have with our own children where we are called to "train a child up in the way he should go". To have the opportunity to do this with a child who is not our "own" biologically will be a great privilege and will display to others and our own children what it means for God to "adopt" us and call us His children (Rom 8, Gal. 5, Eph 1). God could still say no to us with this adoption - and we will need to be ok with that. But as long as He says yes, we will follow and trust Him.

We value your prayers and encouragement along the way. We'll post more info about the journey as we go along - specifically we're praying for God's blessing on a garage sale we are having this coming weekend. Looking forward to seeing His hand in this!

World Gospel Outreach in Honduras

2010-07-19T21:57:00.000-05:00

Check out what Summer and I will be doing in Honduras: http://www.wgoreach.org

Heading To Honduras

2010-07-11T14:46:00.001-05:00

We're at 13 days and counting till Summer and I leave for a medical and evangelistic missions trip to Tegucigalpa, Honduras. For those of you who have received our letter via snail mail, THANK YOU for supporting us through prayer and financially! We are blessed beyond words to have so many faithful family and friends in so many places supporting us in this outreach to the Honduran people.

For those who haven't heard about our upcoming outreach trip, here's the scoop:

World Gospel Outreach has been developing numerous ministries to the Honduran people, including a medical brigade ministry, providing medical, dental, and optical care over the last decade. Through the brigade, hundreds of people are helped and also hear the message of Christ shared. Many come to faith in Jesus Christ. Our mission team will be involved with the medical brigade while in Honduras and we expect to touch the lives of close to 2000 people.

We will be traveling with a team of over 30 people from our church and neighboring churches. We leave July 24, flying to Atlanta and then on to Tegucigalpa, the capital of Honduras. We will spend a week ministering primarily in the area surrounding Tegucigalpa and will return on July 31.

This will mark the first time in our (almost!) 10 years of marriage in which Summer and I will be on a missions trip together. We are excited at the opportunity to grow spiritually together as we make ourselves available for God's work in Honduras.

Our goal for this trip was to raise approximately $2800. Praise the Lord that more than half of this has been raised! Another point of praise is that our childcare for while we are gone has been answered and we praise the Lord for the loving hands that our children will be in while we are gone.

We ask for those prayer warriors out there to continue in prayer for us. The enemy hates it when God's people step up and get out of their comfort zone to minister and be involved in Kingdom work. At times it seems like he is working overtime. One of our team members has had to drop out because of health issues.Additionally, the distractions of the busyness of the summer has been an issue in our home, causing miscommunication. To minimize distraction, Summer and I will be fasting from Facebook and other media outlets for these next two weeks leading up to the trip. We desire to be strong in our relationship with God and in our relationship with each other in preparation for this ministry. Please pray for us to that end and for the team as whole - for good health, attitudes and fellowship with each other and God.

In addition to praying for us, if God so moves you to also contribute financially to help us meet our goal, you can still do this by mailing a check to Cary Grove EFC, 525 W Ada St., Cary, IL 60013. In order to conform with IRS procedures, on the memo of your check please write: Honduras July 2010 Team. However, do not write our names anywhere on the check. All gifts are tax deductible and you will be issued a tax deductible receipt.

We are expecting great things for the Honduran people - healing, both physically and spiritually! Thank for your continued prayer. We will be sending out an update soon after our trip.

~ Rick and Summer

toothless and growing

2010-04-16T23:54:00.000-05:00

There he is - my toothless wonder. And yet another reminder of how fast he is growing up and how much less time I have to establish him in the understanding and knowledge of grace, wisdom and hope. Isn't it funny how we have this tension in life? We can't wait for our children to gain some independence so that they are not so dependent upon us, yet we want so badly to slow them down, to keep them "frozen" in place and to savor this time we have with them more.

The growth of his adult teeth propels me to take more seriously the growth of his mind and heart and spirit into adulthood. What am I doing to cultivate his physical, mental and spiritual well being? What am I doing to instill virtues such as patience, self-control, love and honesty? Virtues that are needed to live a life of godliness for the purpose of pointing others to God and for the purpose of a life of peace and good choices.

If you have children, what are you doing to instill these things? If you are in the empty nest stage of life, what have you done or are still doing? As believers - we must live out our lives in the world, but not of the world. This faith practice plays out in the way we our parent our children and will leave a legacy for generations to come. It is such a burden, but one that can be light through the empowering presence of the Spirit and our daily surrender to that presence.

In Genesis 18:19 we read, "for I [God] have chosen him, so that he will direct his children and his household after him to keep the way of the Lord by doing what is right and just, so that the Lord will bring about for Abraham what he has promised him."

In a similar way, God has chosen us to "direct" our children and our household to do what is "right" and "just" - not in our own eyes, but in the eyes of the Lord - the way of the Lord.

Let us all hold fast to the role of directing in our homes - directing that is displayed through the example of righteousness and justice, having an aim only for being Christlike - for Christ embodies righteousness and justice.

Calvary Love

2010-02-11T13:26:00.002-06:00

It has been a couple of weeks since I have last posted and has been a difficult time, but these past few days I have returned to the office, garnered some strength and am able to look ahead a bit.

I was listening to the radio today and was touched by a poem by Amy Carmichael that someone read. "Touched" is probably too light... "Convicted" is more like it.

It reminded me of how my wife seemed so selfless in the moment of greatest tragedy. In the midst of great suffering, she considered others above herself by asking the doctors, nurses and the family around her on that January 22nd day how they were all doing with such a hard task ahead of them of delivering a baby that would not survive. She felt bad that they had to be the ones on call that day. She empathized with them, when it seemed to me that the natural, worldly response would be to hide in the pain. She did this because of what Christ has done for her - for what Calvary Love has done for her. May we all hold fast to live with Calvary Love as our motivation and our aim.

Calvary Love

by Amy Carmichael

If I belittle those whom I am called to serve, talk of their weak points in contrast perhaps with what I think of as my strong points; if I adopt a superior attitude, forgetting "Who made thee to differ? And what hast thou that thou hast not received?" then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I find myself taking lapses for granted, "Oh, that's what they always do," "Oh, of course she talks like that, he acts like that," then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I can enjoy a joke at the expense of another; if I can in any way slight another in conversation, or even in thought, then I know nothing of Calvarylove.

If I can write an unkind letter, speak an unkind word, think an unkind thought without grief and shame, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I do not feel far more for the grieved Savior than for my worried self when troublesome things occur, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I can rebuke without a pang, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If my attitude be one of fear, not faith, about one who has disappointed me; if I say, "Just what I expected" if a fall occurs, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am afraid to speak the truth, lest I lose affection, or lest the one concerned should say, "You do not understand," or because I fear to lose my reputation for kindness; if I put my own good name before the other's highest good, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am content to heal a hurt slightly, saying "Peace, peace," where there is no peace; if I forget the poignant word "Let love be without dissimulation" and blunt the edge of truth, speaking not right things but smooth things, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I hold on to choices of any kind, just because they are my choice, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I am soft to myself and slide comfortably into self-pity and self-sympathy; If I do not by the grace of God practice fortitude, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I myself dominate myself, if my thoughts revolve round myself, if I am so occupied with myself I rarely have "a heart at leisure from itself," then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If, the moment I am conscious of the shadow of self crossing my threshold, I do not shut the door, and keep that door shut, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I cannot in honest happiness take the second place (or the twentieth); if I cannot take the first without making a fuss about my unworthiness, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I take offense easily, if I am content to continue in a cool unfriendliness, though friendship be possible, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I feel injured when another lays to my charge things that I know not, forgetting that my sinless Savior trod this path to the end, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I feel bitter toward those who condemn me, as it seems to me, unjustly, forgetting that if they knew me as I know myself they would condemn me much more, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If souls can suffer alongside, and I hardly know it, because the spirit of discernment is not in me, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If the praise of others elates me and their blame depresses me; if I cannot rest under misunderstanding without defending myself; if I love to be loved more than to love, to be served more than to serve, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I crave hungrily to be used to show the way of liberty to a soul in bondage, instead of caring only that it be delivered; if I nurse my disappointment when I fail, instead of asking that to another the word of release may be given, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I do not forget about such a trifle as personal success, so that it never crosses my mind, or if it does, is never given room there; if the cup of flattery tastes sweet to me, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If in the fellowship of service I seek to attach a friend to myself, so that others are caused to feel unwanted; if my friendships do not draw others deeper in, but are ungenerous (to myself, for myself), then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I refuse to allow one who is dear to me to suffer for the sake of Christ, if I do not see such suffering as the greatest honor that can be offered to any follower of the Crucified, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I slip into the place that can be filled by Christ alone, making myself the first necessity to a soul instead of leading it to fasten upon Him, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If my interest in the work of others is cool; if I think in terms of my own special work; if the burdens of others are not my burdens too, and their joys mine, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I wonder why something trying is allowed, and press for prayer that it may be removed; if I cannot be trusted with any disappointment, and cannot go on in peace under any mystery, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If the ultimate, the hardest, cannot be asked of me; if my fellows hesitate to ask it and turn to someone else, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

If I covet any place on earth but the dust at the foot of the Cross, then I know nothing of Calvary love.

That which I know not, teach Thou me, O Lord, my God.

Amy Carmichael, "Calvary Love," from If, by Dohnavur Fellowship.

A Gift From 316

2010-02-01T07:37:00.001-06:00

To our many blog readers and prayer supporters,

We have decided to continue Michael's story on a new blog site called "A Gift From Three Sixteen". You can find it at http://giftfrom316.blogspot.com

All along it has been our prayer that Michael would show Jesus to everyone his story touched. God orchestrated his brief life in such a way that we can only stand back in awe and say, in the way of Michael's namesake, "Who is like God?".

Michael was an incredible gift to us and showed us, and many others, how special life truly is, no matter how small that life is. In God's eyes and ours, he lived 252 days. In those 252 days and beyond, he impacted many beyond our imagination. But mainly he impacted his mommy and daddy. We are so proud of you, Michael!

Why 316? This is where we first met Michael and held him for as long as we could. Room 316 at Good Shepherd Hospital. This is where God gave us this gift. It is also where God speaks of His love for us through His own Son in the Gospel of John, Chapter 3, Verse 16:

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son; that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."

We invite you to continue to read God's story through Michael - of how God loves us unconditionally; of how, despite the pain this world bears, we can have peace in our lives and hope through the tears. graceeffect.blogspot.com will continue and will certainly have Michael's story inter-weaved throughout its posts, but giftfrom316.blogspot.com will have as it's focus the Gift from 316.

Resting

2010-01-28T01:31:00.006-06:00

resting

Obituary

2010-01-26T13:07:00.002-06:00

http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/nwherald/obituary.aspx?n=michael-george&pid=138963486

Today… help me to rest in Your plan

2010-01-25T10:57:00.002-06:00

Today my prayers are for my Caden, Ellie, and Will. Please help me continue to rest in God's sovereign plan for each of their lives.

I ask Lord, that You will help me continue to be the best earthly parent for them as I seek Your wisdom and guidance for the remainder of the precious time You have given Rick and I to spend with each of them. Help me to rest in the knowledge that our sweet Michael is rejoicing in the midst of all of Your glory and splendor as I type here in this dark world that I live. There is no darkness where Michael is. There is no pain. There are no tears. You are my hope for this day. Thank You for Your undeserving grace and love that You have shared for me and my family. I don't deserve an ounce of this compassion, nor will I ever fully understand. Michael does. Give me patience as I wait for that day to be united again. Already it has felt like an eternity since Michael has left me. I can only do this with You. Amen.

~Summer

January 22nd Ended With Hope

2010-01-25T09:34:00.002-06:00

On January 22^nd at 9:32pm, we beheld Michael Jesse, and he beheld God's glory.

It hurts so much. My only rest is in the knowledge that he is not hurting at all and is in perfect peace - safe in the arms of God. This is the hope that has never left our hearts since we knew about Michael's diagnosis on October 13^th.

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you." Psalm 39:7

Memorial Service Information

2010-01-23T09:38:00.003-06:00

A memorial service for Michael Jesse George will be held at Cary Grove Evangelical Free Church (525 Ada St., Cary, IL) on Saturday, January 30th at 10am. Visitation will be held on the same day from 9am – 10am. A private burial will follow later.

In lieu of flowers, Rick and Summer would be honored if donations would be made in memory of Michael given to either Cary Grove Evangelical Free Church or to The Haven Network, a faith-based perinatal hospice. Donations made to the church will go towards a fund to help furnish the nursery in the new church building. Cary Grove Evangelical Free Church will handle all donations under the family's direction. Checks may be made out to the church.

Rick and Summer have been incredibly grateful for the prayers, support, gifts and encouragement of our many blog readers, friends, family and church family. We have never felt alone or discouraged in our trial. Truly, “Every time [we] think of you, [we] give thanks to [our] God” (Phil. 1:3).

Michael Jesse George

2010-01-22T22:19:00.003-06:00

Summer delivered Michael Jesse tonight. His heart beat a few times, then he went into the loving arms
of our Savior Jesus. Please be in prayer for Pastor Rick and Summer and the family. Please continue to respect their privacy.

Update

2010-01-22T20:55:00.002-06:00

Please strengthen Summer and Rick through your prayers, prayer warriors. Summer is near delivery.

Here We Go...

2010-01-22T15:46:00.002-06:00

Please continue to pray for Rick and Summer. They are inducing her right now and she will not have to have C-Section. Please pray that they will be able to see the baby alive. Pray also for Rick’s parents who are currently on their way here. Pray for safety in travel. Summer’s mom is with them at this time also. Please, respect their privacy and do not visit them at this time. We will keep you updated.

Please Pray

2010-01-22T11:32:00.002-06:00

Rick and Summer are headed to the hospital right now. Summer is experiencing some very heavy bleeding. Please pray as this is two days before the expected arrival of baby George...

Keeps Me Praying

2010-01-22T00:35:00.001-06:00

While talking to my sister the other night, she said something about my children that made me want to write something.

She said that Caden keeps me in line, Ellie keeps me on my toes, Will keeps me smiling and this baby keeps me praying.

I have spoken with many of you who have voiced how helpless you feel in our situation. I want to communicate to you that you are not helpless if you believe in prayer. I have learned more about prayer through this trial than any other I have faced. Prayer really is enough. This is how I can tell our story: It is prayer that is carrying us through.

It does not eliminate the pain of losing a child. I can't tell you how sad I am as I think of next week's delivery. I still can't imagine leaving that hospital with empty arms. I can't imagine coming home recovering from a delivery without getting up four times a night to nurse a child. I can't imagine January 25, 2011 or any year thereafter. The delivery of our baby will just be the end to another chapter of this baby's life and a new one will begin. I am not the author. God is. And I do have hope of what is to come because of my faith.

~Summer

Only a Few Days

2010-01-20T15:20:00.001-06:00

Today Summer had her final appointment with the OB. They did a final ultrasound. I got to see this little person looking back at me on the monitor, with his or her little fists up by the face. What a treasure that was!

There is still no indication on gender. The technician tried so hard too. She did lean towards a boy based on some shadows she saw, but she was not 100% sure. Another technician had also leaned toward boy because of shadows in an earlier ultrasound. A praise we have coming out of the ultrasound is that the placenta has again moved and is no longer low-lying but completely out of the way of the cervix. What an answer to prayer! Chances of a C-Section are now very low compared to what they were earlier on.

We then saw the OB and she went over final logistics and answered our final questions. This one hit me the hardest – "What time do we need to come to the hospital?". "5:00pm on Sunday" was her reply. This is it. It is the moment in time which I have been dreading since October 13^th. Everything in me wants to say, "Summer, lets just not show up and do something fun instead." I know this is a ridiculous notion, as if Summer can remain pregnant for the rest of her life. But it is what I am feeling. I do not want to face what we will face this coming Sunday night. There will never be a right time for this to happen.

As the days dwindle down, there are a few prayer requests:

For our children: That they sense God's peace in this whole situation and through the actions of Summer and I as we parent them through this.
For Ellie: That God would soften her heart to the real possibility that this baby is a boy when she feels so strongly that it is a girl and that she will be ok with this and will love this baby no matter the sex.
For our family and friends that are traveling to encourage and support us.
We so desperately want to see our baby live, for however long it is. Pray that the baby survives the birth and that God's mercy would allow us to see his or her eyes looking back at us.
Pray that all those nurses, doctors and staff who are involved with our family at the hospital would see one thing: God's love for all of us in a painful world.

Thank you. Your prayers and your notes of encouragement have not gone unnoticed. There are times we are not able to respond, but please know that you have encouraged us deeply simply by praying and loving us through this.

Show them Jesus

2010-01-19T23:39:00.001-06:00

Our prayers for all of our children have been that they would know Jesus and share Jesus. Our prayers for our fourth child are no different - Show them Jesus, little one.

Join us in prayer that this little one's life will be transparent to the God who created him/her and that many will come to faith and be drawn nearer to the God whose love for us is inseparable and incomparable. Show them Jesus, little one. Show them Jesus.

God Even Interprets Prayers of Gibberish

2010-01-17T22:59:00.001-06:00

If Romans 8:26 tells us that God interprets our groaning, then certainly He interprets our prayers of gibberish. Tonight Will prayed for the baby. While Summer was putting him to bed, they were laying down together. All of the sudden, he sat up, lifted up her shirt and said, "Hi baby". "I love you". I wish I would have recorded his voice to capture his way of talking, because many times it is hard to tell what he is saying in his 2 year old gibberish, but you could definitely tell what those words were.

Then he did the most amazing thing. He put his hand on her belly and started praying for the baby. I absolutely love his prayers. There have been times when he has prayed long prayers and we have no idea what they consist of except for the "A - men" at the end (and he puts a separation between the syllables like that). Tonight he prayed a prayer only he and God know and he was definitely focusing it on the baby as his hand rested on Summer's belly.

All four of our children have taught us so much about life and faith. Thank you, Jesus, for blessing us so abundantly.

Ok, Prayer Warriors – We Need Prayer

2010-01-13T23:02:00.003-06:00

In no particular order. Obviously with all of these requests, I am praying in God's will.

1. That God would bring this baby into this world sooner than January 25th. The waiting game is getting really difficult.

2. Our baby is in the complete breech position. This means that the baby's bottom will come first followed by his/her crossed legs and head. Basically folded. After reading probably too much about this, I am now fearful that our baby will have it's oxygen supply cut off from too much pressure on the umbilical cord during delivery. I also fear that if the baby is in this particular position of breech, I may (or may not) have to have a c-section if he/she is too small to deliver and gets "stuck".

3. Prayer for Caden. He is showing signs of stress with a decreased appetite and is starting to get mouthy to Rick and I. It breaks my heart.

4. That Rick and I can make the time to have a date with each of our children individually.

5. For our family who will be traveling – safe travels.

6. Sleep. This is a foreign word to me lately.

Thank you. This is so painful in every way. But God is good and I still know that and am able to say it with my words and really believe it.

~Summer

The Breaking from the Lord

2010-01-13T00:06:00.002-06:00

I have found it odd (due to my faithless analytical mind) that it is during this trial of suffering that I have found a deep contentment and peace with the Lord. I have a deeper sense of joy and a greater faith in the unseen than I have ever had in my entire believing life. Yet at the same time I still experience the heartache, the situational anger, the emotional ups and downs, and the bewilderment of the unknown as much as anyone who experiences the loss. How could this be? I recently came across a quote by Oswald Chambers:

"We all know people who have been made much meaner and more irritable and more intolerable to live with by suffering: it is not right to say that all suffering perfects. It only perfects one type of person ...... the one who accepts the call of God in Christ Jesus."

I have sensed God's sanctifying work in this trial from the beginning. I know what His ultimate purpose is for me in this trial – to mold me. Perhaps it is this knowledge given through Christ which has helped me to keep my eyes focused on Him through the fire. I am humbled by this grace.

For sure, through this trial and others I have experienced, I have come into full frontal assault with who I am. I meet myself square on. It is true that, "Adversity introduces a man to himself." For it is I who fights with I in a battle of the surrender of control, a thing of which I have never possessed but in my flesh imagined that I maintained.

"One man's experience drives him to curse God, while another man's identical experience drives him to bless God."

Could it be that it is in this battle over surrender which will determine how we will react to suffering? To curse or to bless? To which I ask, which brings more joy? More peace? More faith?

I suppose to answer my reflection above about how I find it so odd to find such contentment and peace in this trial, I would turn to this quote:

"Blessings alone do not open our eyes. Indeed, blessings by themselves tend to close our eyes. We do not come to know Him in the blessing, but in the breaking." -Chip Brogden

And it is true that in the times I have felt the most blessed are the times when I have appreciated Him the least in comparison to this trial when I have been on my knees in the desert digging for a drop of water and upon discovering it, I have appreciated Him the most. O, in the words of Paul, "what a wretched man I am" that God would have to bring such brokeness to create a pure and passionate heart bent on Him alone.

^"I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart;

I have overcome the world." John 16:33 ESV

My Beloved

2010-01-11T21:42:00.001-06:00

This morning I opened my NIV Worship Bible* to begin studying Jeremiah and discovered an excerpt titled, "My Beloved". Someone took passages of scripture, paraphrased them and put them into a letter format with God as the first-person pronoun. The result of which really ministered to me as I consider the life God gives us, no matter how long or short it is. Here is the letter:

My Beloved

Before you were born, you were special to Me. I knew you before you were conceived in your mother's womb. With My own hands I fearfully and wonderfully created every detail that makes you unique. I knit together your body, soul and spirit.

I saw you long before you ever existed. I watched every day of your life. So I know you. I know where you have been, where you are, and where you are going.

If only you knew the thoughts I have toward you. Did you know My thoughts for you outnumber the grains of sand on all the beaches of the world? You are the apple of My eye. When trouble approaches, I hide you in the shadow of My wings. I have even engraved you on the palms of My hands.

It is My love for you that makes you precious and honored in My sight. I created you for My glory, and I will never abandon what I have formed and made. My goodness and love will follow you every day of your life. So do not fret; I will fulfill My purpose for your life. And always remember… My love endures forever and ever!

Paraphrased from the following passages: Ps 17:8; 23:6; 100:5; 138:8; 139:13-18; Is 43:4-7; 49:16; Jer 1:5

Addresses

2010-01-09T21:58:00.001-06:00

Section 9, Block 40, Grave 11

This is the baby's new address - his/her temporary residence. Rick and I went out to the cemetary this week to see where the plot was. It was frozen and cold in every way possible - literally and figuratively. I hated every part about being there.

Heaven. A place where I really can't describe but I know I want to be there. A place where our baby will soon be. A place so beautiful that it is indescribable. A place not everyone will go without trusting in our Lord and Savior. A place where:

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." Revelation 21:4

Don't you want to be there with us?

How I long to be there.

~Summer

Will My Heart Celebrate?

2010-01-05T22:21:00.001-06:00

Hi all. Tomorrow, January 6^th, Summer has another OB appointment. Three weeks ago we were notified that the inducing date has been set for January 24^th. A week ago she started bleeding, due to early stages of labor. It seems like everything is going so fast. It could be tomorrow, it could be the 24^th. No matter the date, it is too soon. We are not ready to say goodbye. Much like we were never ready to bring home our first child, we will never be ready to say good bye to this one. I don't always feel like this, but tonight I kept wishing that this dream would be over and I'd wake up and discover that we will be bringing home a healthy baby in a few weeks. That what is represented by that buldge in Summer's belly is bringing about a joyous celebration, instead of a sober reflection. But life is supposed to be a celebraton, no matter the length. Will I find joy? Will my heart celebrate?

This all to say that we could use your prayers specifically for our hearts. As the day looms closer, it gets harder. The stress level and anxiety has escalated in our home. The children have been playing off of it. It hasn't helped that we (mostly Summer) have not been getting much sleep due to Will's bronchitis, but it is now getting better. Some things on our list of to-dos have been completed, and I thought that would make me feel better, but there's no reprieve from the pain, except maybe when we are worshiping in the shadow of the Almighty, turning our eyes from this world and upon Him.

So please pray for peace in our hearts and home and for rest. Also pray for Summer's appointment tomorrow and for good health for her and all of our family.

December 30th, 2000

2010-01-05T12:48:00.009-06:00

(Written on December 30^th, 2009)
As we prepared for our big wedding day nine years ago, I am now reflecting back of how naieve I was! How scewed my perspective was on what marriage really was. All I wanted was someone to come home to, someone to share my life with, someone to share children with. Well, now its December 30, 2009 and marriage is that but oh so much more.

Today, I started spotting some and experiencing some cramping. I also had noticed that the baby's movement had decreased signifficantly. As we made our way to see the doctor, I gave into the temptation to play out what would be next. In my mind, I was preparing for delivery of a baby that had already passed. My faithFUL husband kept telling me there was no need to play the unknown out, that we had no concrete answers.

When the doctor looked for the heartbeat on the doplor, he could not find it. Again, I started playing out how once again things have changed not at all in my favor. Throughout the last three months it had not occurred to me that this baby (just as much as any other pregnancy) could die before delivery. How prideful of me to think otherwise. After all, who was in control of the duration of this child's life from the begining of time? Oh yes........ God. NOT SUMMER.

As the doctor ordered an ultrasound, my steadfast husband and my trembling self sat in the waiting area waiting to be called. More waiting. This room was small. As I looked up in between tears of fear and diasppointment, I saw three pictures hanging on the wall of butterflies. "Aren't butterflies a sign of life?", I said to Rick. Rick was silent. I wanted to rip them off the wall in my anger.

The tech squirted the cold gel on my tummy as she explained what she was going to do. Her voice was calm, but had concern in it. I started praying for her. How horrible was this part of her job? I couldn't imagine.

I asked not to see the monitor. However, Rick intently looked over me. I said, "honey, you don't have to look". To all of our surprises, the tech confidently said, "I have a heart tone". I think I exhaled for the first time in 20 minutes. This child still had life.

Dr. Pines (my doctor was not in) was also shocked. He evaluated my bleeling once more and attributed it to my body preparing for delivery. I had started to dialte 1-2 cm. and he did not think the blood was from the placenta, but the doctor was also unsure if the placenta had fully moved. Apparently the placenta was right at 2cm away from the cervix. It needs to be at 2.0 for a natural delivery. The ultrasound tech laughed when she detected this measurement as it is not common for someone to be RIGHT at a 2.0 measurement. Maybe a 1.9 or 2.1! Again, when will I start to trust God in all of his good ways to EXPECT him to show up in all of His perfection?

Oh yeah. One last thing, the baby is now breeched. In a healthy pregnancy they would probably deliver by c-section. In all of our emotion this day, I forgot to ask what they would do to deliver if the baby was in this position. I am assuming they wouldn't do a c-section because it would be less harmful to me to deliver naturally. So prayer warriors, pray this would change. My prayer is that the baby would be delivered alive.

So happy anniversary to me. What a memory. Rick later told me that he was praying, "Not today Lord." Neither of us could bear to share our blessed wedding day with the death of our child. However, deep within me, I knew God was in control. But oh, how badly I wanted some of that power. Fact is, I have none.

Our anniversary ended with going out to dinner and shopping for a burial outfit for our precious baby. Emotionally exhausting and a draining day to say the least.
I praise God for my husband. God has brought us through countless trials over the last 9 years. This, our hardest. And yet, God is faithful. The last part of our vows we wrote to each other were, "I love you Rick (Summer)and I trust God for us always." Nine years ago, I thought I knew what that meant. I think I am starting to get its true meaning. This is what faith is. Faith is living as though God's Word is true even when I do not feel that it is true.

I know my faith will shake at times, but I pray that this trial Rick and I are facing will help me not waiver so much in the future of what God has in store for us.

I pray everyone a Happy New Year. It is a new year and I pray you will see God in a new light no matter where you are at with your faith.

~Summer

Yearning for God so much it hurts

2010-01-02T08:27:00.001-06:00

When I study scripture in my personal time with God, I usually take a chapter, parse it out by paragraphs and then begin to paraphrase it. I consider the context – who, what, where, why, when. I consider what has come before and what is coming after. I consider what type of literature I am studying – is it poetic? Is it wisdom? Is it prophetic? And so on. While considering these things, I begin to paraphrase the passage and in so doing, I apply it to my life.

Recently my eyes have rested upon Psalm 42. I've read this Psalm many times before, but I haven't fully appreciated what God is saying through the life of this Psalmist. When I discovered that this Psalmist is a worship leader, my soul perked up. Here is someone who led worship in the temple of God, yet also struggled with keeping his eyes focused on God when all things seemed dreary at best.

I decided to share with you my paraphrase of this Psalm. I would encourage you to read Psalm 42 side by side with my paraphrase or to at least read it before you read this paraphrase. I would not suggest that my paraphrase is exegetically correct, but it does help others get into my heart and mind a little as I sort out my thoughts and emotions through the reading of God's Word.

Verses 1-4

My all yearns for You, God, so much I hurt. It's like how a thirsty deer yearns for fresh water. My sadness has overwhelmed me, my lack of faith brings darkness upon me. I am unclean and unprepared to meet with God. I recall those times when I have led worship in front of the congregation with celebration and joy and thanksgiving. How can I do that now?

Verses 5-8

Why do I lack in faith? Why do I despair? I need to wait upon the Lord, for I will yet again praise Him for His help and deliverance. Yet right now I am still in despair. I recall Your guidance in my life and the victories You have accomplished on my behalf. Even in the times when I have felt like I was in the deepest darkness, You have refreshed me with abundant water, for my cup overflowed. I know You are so faithful – I see Your blessings of mercy throughout each day and at night You sing lullabies over me. This leads me into prayer and conversation with You, God.

Verses 9-11

At times I say to You in anger, "Why?" "Have You forgotten Your promises regarding me?" I continue to mourn because of all that the enemy throws at me. Sometimes his oppression is so great it is crushing me, causing those around to ask, "Where is your God?" I say to myself, "Do not despair, put your hope in the eternal God, and praise Him." For He will deliver and prosper me from the confines of death and I will live in the house of the Lord forever.

Are You Ready for the Big Day?

2010-01-01T08:23:00.005-06:00

Are you ready for the big day?

These were the words of a Pampers advertisement we received in the mail the other day. Of course when I read these words, they meant something totally different than the intention of the advertisers.

At many baby showers I have attended, if given the opportunity to share advice to the mom to be, I have shared something like this:

"As you become a mother, you will experience a joy that you never have before. Holding this fully dependent baby, you must be able to FULLY commit this child to the Lord every day placing him/her back into the arms of Jesus knowing that this is His child. He has graciously "lent" this child to you for a time, so it is now your job to do the best that you can to raise this child in the Lord's ways. We should be able to do this with every relationship God graces us with, but having your first child is a type of relationship you have never experienced. It is easy to forget that this child is an undeserved gift from the Lord and how easy it will be to think we know better then God as we raise this fully dependent person. Once we realize that this is God's child FIRST, we can then understand that this child is as fully dependent on God's will as we are. If we can surrender both our life and the child's life to God, what a great perfect place that is to be."

So, am I daily turning my children over to the Lord? Are you?

Let's be honest. This is extremely hard and we all know that if we are a parent. At times, it is a moment by moment thing of turning them over to the Lord. No matter what stage of life they are at. I have learned this as I watch some of my mentors parent their adult children. I think it goes without saying that this is the hardest trial in this area I have ever been in, but it is challenging me by my own words. Am I really letting God do His work? Am I really seeking His will for all four of my children's lives? I wish I could say I was doing this all the time.

Today, I submit myself to You, God. May I be less and You be more - in all of the relationships you have blessed me with. How ever long or short lived they may be.

~ Summer

HE’S STILL IN CONTROL

2009-12-30T17:15:00.001-06:00

Today was a roller coaster. Summer began bleeding this morning around 11. Since she no longer has placenta previa, we were not sure what this meant. She has also not felt the baby move since 2am. Called the doctor and we finally were able to get in. He began immediately to check for the baby's heartbeat. These were the longest 3 or 4 mnutes of our lives. He kept trying to find one. As the moments passed on, we began to feel the inevitable had happened. He finished his test and said that the baby may have passed. He ordered an immediate ultrasound. We just sat shocked and cried. Not yet. Why God? Not yet. I felt as if October 13^th happened again.

Today is our 9^th wedding anniversary.

We went into the ultrasound waiting room. The waiting seemed forever. Summer noticed for the first time that, after being in that room many times, on the wall were pictures of butterflies – a sign of life. I'm not sure if that discouraged or encouraged us at that moment. The tech called us in – here we go again. She began the test. I watched the screen – Summer didn't think it was wise for me to, but I couldn't help. I wanted to see that baby. And then I saw it. Before the tech said anything, I saw the four chambers pumping in and out blood. Selah or Michael was still alive! We couldn't believe it. The tech couldn't believe it. The doctor couldn't believe it.

It wa such an answer to prayer. We know what the outcome is going to be eventually – but I could not bear the thought of having two opposing anniversaries on the same day. I believe God is telling us that He is still in control of our lives. He wants us to be drawn to our knees and to surrender completely to Him. He is drawing us closer.

We do have prayer requests. The bleeding is real, however it is not from a ruptured placenta. The doctor thinks it is what is called the "bloody show". Sounds pretty gross , but what we do know is that Summer's cervix has dilated 1-2 cm. and that these are early signs of labor. Her placenta is still a bit questionable and they are calling it a low-lying placenta, but barely. It is on the cusp of their decision whether to do a natural delivery or C-section.

Nothing is in our timing, we know. But we have a few things we would love to accomplish before it all happens. Our frst prayer is for Summer's safety, rest and peace – and that she would not have to have a c-section. Our second prayer is that we would be able to accomplish some of our to-do list, including having a professional photographer come in next week for a pregnancy shoot and more time to come alongside our children to help them prepare for what is ahead. Summer and I also feel like we need more time together. The past three weeks have been grueling for me and I don't feel like we have had anytime to grieve together and to plan in this time. Please pray for a lighter schedule for us these next few weeks.

As always, thank you for your prayers.

WONDER

2009-12-24T16:23:00.000-06:00

Wonder.

Wonder. "For to us a Child is born. To us a Son is given."

Wonder. "In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."

Wonder. "I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep."

Wonder. "Surely he has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows."

Wonder. "He was wounded for our transgressions; crushed for our iniquities; upon him was the chastisement that brought us peace, and with his stripes we are healed."

Wonder. "In my Father's house are many rooms... I go to prepare a place for you... I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also."

Wonder. "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more."

Wonder. I can't help but Wonder. He's our Hope. Wonder.

Merry Christmas!! We love all of you so very, very much!!!

Update

2009-12-23T10:37:00.003-06:00

It has been over a week since we posted something on our blog. As the weeks pass by, it is getting harder. This season is indescribable, and we can only relate it to knowing someone you love has a certain amount of days left of life. Many families impacted by a fatal cancer diagnosis know this all too well.

Yet we have not even met this person. And instead of wondering when it is going to happen, we are pretty sure we know the when, at least down to the week. The date continues to loom larger with every passing hour it seems. We increasingly have a harder time focusing on much else. The Christmas joy is inside us, and we will enjoy celebrating the Savior's birth and enjoy watching our children open presents on Christmas morning, but our joy is hard to bring to the surface in most moments.

Out of this heartache, we have a praise to share. It's a positive answer to a reoccurring prayer request. Summer went to have her last scheduled ultrasound today. THE PLACENTA HAS MOVED! The placenta has moved away from the cervix, allowing Summer to be able to deliver the baby naturally instead of by C-section. However, the baby still has their legs crossed, so we could not determine gender. Continue to pray for Selah/Michael. Continue to lift up Summer's health in prayer as she is currently fighting an upper respiratory infection. Continue to lift up our family in prayer as we try to parent our children in the best way possible through this trial. Pray for sleepFUL nights for our who family. Pray that every one in our family would be healthy around the time of the delivery.

Thank you.

Baby Shower

2009-12-15T07:01:00.004-06:00

Last week, Rick and I went to the Perinatal Hospice in Rockford, The Haven Network. I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but we walked away richly blessed in many ways..

Kathy is the name of the lady that was our care giver. She was simply full of grace and was a true blessing to Rick and I in this journey. She literally "showered" us with gifts and keepsakes to help us memorialize our baby. Blankets, outfits, amazing photography services, scrapbooks, books and resources to help our grieving children, a special coloring book for Caden to help him imagine what the baby would be like, and a keepsake box. Everything had a meaning and everything was beautiful. I never thought holding a baby blanket made by a stranger would minister to me so much. Kathy conveyed to us that the women who make the blankets and clothing have a true calling to serve the Lord in this specific way and it showed from the intricate detail of every item we saw.

We walked away from this experience more humbled than when we walked in. God keeps chipping away at my prideful self more and more through this journey. Sometimes I ask myself "Why me God? Why now?" I guess he just saw this as the best way to scrape away at my hard heart and to draw me closer to His divine purposes and ultimately to Himself.

Would I have chosen this? No. Would I change my circumstance to watch this little one grow into adulthood? In my humaness, yes, but because I know that God's plans are perfect, no. I wouldn't.

I don't' want to convey that I am not in extreme pain, but what I hope is displayed more loudly than my pain is God's strength and power. This is what I have that I desperately want for so many more. Maybe even you who are reading this blog. This is what is carrying me. Not my own strength, but God's. Man was not made to carry the burdens of this world, but God has chosen to through Christ. So I am laying this child literally at His throne. I need to do that with my other children, Rick and even my own life every day.

I can't make sense of the why's or what's now. Maybe not ever. But I know that there is a God who has a much more effective plan with this child's life now than as if the baby were to live here on earth for a longer time then I had dreamed.

If you do not know this God that I am talking of, I pray this causes you to question and search for yourself this King I am speaking of. He will change your world and turn it upside down. I promise you that.

~Summer

Oh what burdens... please pray

2009-12-11T13:52:00.003-06:00

As we enter into this Christmas season, it is a heavy one. The burdens are great. Not only for what we are experiencing, but it seems like so many around Summer and I are hurting so deeply. I have never before experienced such pain during that which is supposed to be a "merry" time of year.

As you pray for us, please also pray for: A friend who is about to have a baby and also is, short of a miracle, going to be saying goodbye to her father at the same time; A neighbor who is bringing his wife diagnosed with Alzheimers home from the hospital today to live out her remaining days at home with hospice care; A friend who is in the midst of a terrible divorce; Another friend who is remembering his wife of many years who died last Christmas; A couple we know who are going through a very difficult time in their marriage; A friend struggling with an addiction; Another neighbor who just lost her husband to the war in Afghanistan; Many families that are struggling financially because of job lost; A sweet couple that have tried for years to get pregnant, only to result in several miscarriages.

Even in the midst of this, there is still a joy that goes beyond our temporary situations. The joy of Christmas will continue to permeate the hearts of men - not a joy that is based upon a season, because Christmases will come and go, some will be painful, others peaceful. No - the joy I am talking about is a joy solely based in an act of God upon the history of mankind through the incarnation of Christ. He is the hope of the world. It is "by His wounds we are healed." (Isaiah 53) This kind of joy is an eternal joy. And all things worthy of our attention last forever.

My Kids

2009-12-10T09:36:00.005-06:00

I praise God that I have a four year old daughter who changes her clothes five times a day and wears more pairs of shoes in a day than I do in one week.

I praise God that I have a two year old that drags around four blankies that have been with him since birth and I honestly don't know if and how he'll ever give them up.

I praise God that I have a six year old that has an honest addiction to building Legos and has eyes so beautiful that I fear the day girls will notice them as well.

I praise God that I have a baby who is 30 weeks old and that every time he/she kicks me, I am reminded of how big God is and how small this child is yet how amazingly powerful this child has been in so many peoples' lives and he/she has yet to breathe one breath on this earth. That is amazing. And the common factor in all of my children is that they are all blessings and God has graciously lent them all to Rick and I for a time.

~ Summer

12.9.09 Update

2009-12-09T20:31:00.000-06:00

Just wanted to fill everyone in on the results of our ultrasound today. There really was no change - the placenta has not moved and is still partially covering the cervix. Although the tech was so great and tried so hard to find out what the baby's gender was, it just wasn't showing. So the baby continues to be either a Selah or a Michael.

The praise is that our experience at the doctors office today was totally the opposite of what we had experienced in the past. The tech and staff were so full of compassion and understanding of our needs. It was a true blessing in a painful trial.

Summer has two more weeks before week 32. The stats are that the placenta will probably not move after 32 weeks. We will have another ultrasound at that time and we will schedule a deliver date for the end of January. Please pray that the placenta would move in these next two weeks so that Summer can avoid a C-section.

Thank you all for your love and encouragement and your prayers. We have been overwhelmed at times. We praise God for the body of Christ!

Dec 9th Prayer Requests and Praises

2009-12-09T10:39:00.000-06:00

Dear Readers,

We ask for prayer again for another ultrasound we will be having today at 12:30pm. Please pray that our tech is more gracious and understanding than last time (we will be seeing a new tech today). Continue to pray that the placenta would move. At this point, the placenta has moved a little - we need the placenta to completely move away from the cervix. Finally - we have another chance to peer in and see Selah/Michael. Pray that we will be able to see if this baby is Selah or Michael.

Our big praise of this week is how blessed we felt as we went to the perinatal hospice - The Haven Network - yesterday. They showered us with grace, love, encouragement and gifts. I think Summer will be blogging about this later. What an incredible ministry to parents going through an experience like ours. Thank you Haven Network.

The Gamut of Emotions

2009-12-08T21:46:00.003-06:00

Blogging in the midst of a trial is an interesting undertaking. For an internal processor, my style comes out through a long, thought out process. I internalize much and only those closest to me see me laid bare. My emotions have run the gamut since this trial began, from misery to hopeful, groaning to praise, anger to laughter, crying, and then more crying. My blogs end up becoming much more refined than these raw emotions. The words I write speak the truth of what is in my heart and mind, but the audience misses out on the unrefined me.

Last night would be a moment typical of what I would leave out of my writing. My morning started at 5:30 and I didn't go to sleep until 11:30 that night. It was a long day. For the most part, the day was good. At times I do have a hard time focusing on the work at hand as my mind turns to the future and what is in store for us. But I did feel like I was able to accomplish a few things. However, as the day wore on, I felt like I was turning more inward and self-focused. I began to feel as if no one could understand the depth of the pain I was experiencing - the lostness I felt. That every time I hear something about a baby, I can't help but be drawn to what it will be like to hold my dying son or daughter in my arms, wholly unable to do anything to bring life to the little lungs, heart, mind, body. Its just not right. It is ingrained in a father to lay down his life for his family - especially for the weakest of the family. The fact that I have no power to bring life to this child makes me angry.

The loneliness in these thoughts can be unbearable sometimes without something to draw you out. God led me to pick up my guitar and I kept playing this melody over and over again. I don't know what it is, but I just felt like some of my anger was expressing itself in this little, repetitive tune which my fingers kept plucking out.

I came home to my wife after this long day. She is an incredible woman. Her faith is strong. Her boldness for truth permeates her life. She knows how to stand in God's might. I am humbled by her hope and her faith. She will probably laugh at these remarks and might say, "Yeah right", for she knows, as well as I do, that her weaknesses are far too many at times. But I can't get over her resilience and steadfast grip on the reality of this trial and the reality of hope. She allows me to grieve through this trial the way I need to grieve - with all of its angst and mourning and encouragement and tears. She doesn't presume. She doesn't place unrealistic expectations on me. Last night she listened to me in my anger towards this trial, anger that quickly turns to tears. Tears that eventually fade away as my eyelids close and I fall fast asleep, resting assured that somehow, we're going to get through this and somehow, God put the two of us together for very special reasons, one of which we experience now as we cling to each other in this sometimes seemingly lonely journey.

The morning brought new mercies, as faithful as the sun rising. I was fine again, made whole, encouraged, sad, but hopeful. A new day. Jesus... thank You.

The Name, it means so much

2009-12-07T15:19:00.005-06:00

Summer and I wanted to share the names that we have picked for our baby with all of you who have been praying so faithfully for our family and our little baby. We were going to wait till we knew the baby's gender, but it would mean so much to us for our family and friends to begin calling the baby by name and to begin praying for the baby by name.

Name meanings have always been important to us. Our firstborn, Caden James, means fighter. My prayer for him would be that he would be a fighter for the faith, not with the sword of metal, but with the sword of God's Word - a spiritual warrior. James is my middle name and his grandfather's name.

Ellie Grace was our daughter's name even before we were pregnant with her. We have always loved that name and at times I have affectionately called her by her acronym - my little E.G.G. Ellie means light and my prayer for her would be that she would live her life transparent to the One True Light of the world - Jesus Christ. Grace, can speak for itself, but is also her aunt's middle name and her great-grandmother's name.

William (Will) Dale was known as Boy George for the first few hours of his life - until we found out that he was born on Boy George's birthday - we quickly settled on a name for him. The meaning is protector and my prayer for him has been that he would defend or protect the faith, for it is as precious as a pearl. Dale is his grandfather's name.

This baby
The journey, and the way God has prepared us for this journey, is what helps us in naming our fourth child. We picked out these names in the first couple of weeks after October 13th.

Girl - Selah Hope George
Boy - Michael Jesse George

Selah has a double meaning for us. About a year and a half ago, somehow Summer ended up on a blog about an unborn baby with a fatal diagnosis. Please keep in mind that at this time the thought of us being pregnant again was VERY far from our minds. Yet something kept making Summer go back to this blog. I vividly remember her sharing it with me a few times, although I didn't follow the story as closely as she did. I also remember praying for this couple. If you have heard of the vocal group, Selah, then you may know this story too. One of the singers - Todd Smith and his wife, Angie, are Audrey Caroline's loving parents. You can read Audrey's story here - http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/2008/01/beginning-of-story.html

When we heard the news of our own baby with a fatal diagnosis, our minds kept racing back to Audrey's story. We just couldn't believe we were in that same place which this couple had been whom we had prayed for many months before. Someday we're going to put a post up on the blog of the many ways we feel that God has prepared us for this moment - reading Angie's blog over a year ago is on that list.

So this is one reason why we chose Selah. The other is the meaning of the name itself. Selah is a term used frequently in the Psalms and there are various interpretations of what selah might mean, but all possible defintitions seem to point to one common factor - some type of reflection. Whether the meaning in the Psalms means a musical interlude, or a silent pause, this journey has given us a chance to pause and reflect on the sanctity, beauty, grace and preciousness of life.

Hope is based on our trust and faith in God to see us through this trial and the hope of Romans 8:18-25 through Christ.

Michael's name means, "Who is like God?". The question mark is key to understanding the rhetorical nature of this phrase. Since this journey, thoughts of Job's trials and suffering have come to our minds. Specifically, the almost one-sided conversation God had with Job in chapters 38 - 42 speaks to the uncontainable and awesome power of the Lord God. Job's reply to God is ours, "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted." The answer to the rhetorical question - "Who is like God?" - is that there is no one like God. He is all powerful, all knowing and always present. Yet John 3:16 shows us that He condescended to love us and to destroy death and suffering forever - which points us even more towards the fact that "there is no one like God".

The name Jesse means "God Exists". Summer's words to the ultrasound technician on October 13th (see post) still ring true in our hearts today - our God is the same God He was on October 12th, October 13th and today. He exists. Our faith has not faltered, not because of our strength, but because of the enduring power of His presence in our lives and through His Word.

Thank you for reading this and helping us to celebrate the life of Selah Hope or Michael Jesse.

I Do Not Have Control

2009-12-06T22:24:00.003-06:00

I wake up at night worrying about so many things. I do not consider myself typically to be a worrier, but the realization has swept over me that there are so many elements to this journey that I do not have one single bit of control over. Here is my list that I need to surrender to God:

I can not make this baby whole.
I do not have the power to heal or change any circumstance of this baby's life.
I don't know when this baby will be delivered.
I don't know how this baby will be delivered - natural or c-section.
I still don't know the sex of this baby.
I have a list about a mile long of "to dos", before the baby is born, of things that vary from photography shoots to buying the baby the one outfit he/she will wear, to blogging more often. This list may/may not be completed.
Our family is two states away and could potentially miss the delivery.
My children may/may not be allowed into the hospital to see their sibling due to the recent H1N1 scare.
I do not have control over how my husband and children grieve.

I write this list out to help me see how insignificant I am in this whole circumstance, how powerless I really am. I need to see how significant God is in this circumstance. His list is short. He IS in control over all. I would please ask that in all of my humanness that you would continue to life me up in prayer as I humbly trust God with this list. And more.

-Summer

Our God Is In Control

2009-12-05T22:04:00.002-06:00

This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
This is how it is
Our God is in control

This is not how it will be
When we finally will see
We’ll see with our own eyes
He was always in control

And we’ll sing
Holy Holy Holy is in our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we’ll sing
Holy Holy Holy is in our God
While we’re waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
This is where we are
And Our God is in control

Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and see
That Our God is in control

And we’ll sing
Holy Holy Holy is in our God
And we will finally really understand what it means
So we’ll sing
Holy Holy Holy is in our God
While we’re waiting for that day
We’re waiting for that day
We’ll keep on waiting for that day

And we will know
Our God is in control
Holy Holy Holy
Holy Holy Holy
Our God is in control
Holy Holy Holy
Our God is in control
Holy Holy Holy

By Steven Curtis Chapman

ELLIE

2009-12-05T20:11:00.006-06:00

Ellie is our precious four year old daughter. She is a dynamic and energetic child. And if you are reading this and know Ellie personally, I am sure you are smiling at how underestimating these words are to describe her. This is the girl who ran away from me at a church service and took a full running lap around the entire sanctuary laughing the whole way. I pray for Ellie in a different way than the rest of my children. I trust that God will use her in an incredible and powerful way for His glory.
In the term of my pregnancy, Ellie has been emphatic that our baby is a girl. Maybe she is sick of her brothers and desires to have a sister to balance out the dynamics in our household. The other thought is that God gave Ellie wisdom that our baby really is a little girl.

Tonight when I was lying down with Ellie for bed, I asked her if she wanted to talk about the baby. She first "corrected" me saying, "mommy, it's a girl, why do you keep saying BABY and not she or girl?" I apologized telling her I didn't mean to make her upset, but that we really didn't know if it was a baby girl and only God knew who our baby was. Ellie forcibly shouts, "It is a girl. I know too."

Why am I writing about this? One, I am writing so that if our baby is a girl, that once Ellie matures and grows older, that she can look back and see how God was working in her own life and that maybe God really was blessing Ellie with discernment at even this early of an age. How amazing would that be. Two, I am writing this to tell you how humbled I am by my little girl's faith that even while scientifically nothing has been shown about our baby's sex,Ellie has faith that it is a girl. It may seem small to you, but I am so taken with Ellie's reaction. I believe God can give wisdom even to someone who is four years old. She is a strong-willed child and I can't wait to see how God will work this out for His and her good as she grows. She is such a gift to me.

For Yahweh gives wisdom.
Out of His mouth comes knowledge and understanding.
~Proverbs 2:6

-Summer

Jealousy

2009-12-03T23:38:00.003-06:00

Rick was gone this weekend with Ellie and Caden. I stayed in Cary with Will --not feeling up to travel. When Rick came back with the kids, I was expecting us to feel whole again with the five of us reunited. Surprisingly, I felt incomplete. I miss our baby and he/she isn't even here yet. I know Christ is what completes us but the human part of me still pains over not having this baby living with us day in and day out.

I sit at our dinner table and feel as if someone is missing. We have six chairs to our set and one chair is empty in more then one sense. I come to get Caden at the bus stop and as we walk behind our neighbor kids (one boy and three girls--brother and sisters), I secretly am so jealous of them and their petty little arguments and pushes as they get off the bus. At night when Rick gets home, it is a normal tradition that daddy has wrestle time in the basement. I want my four kids to wrestle with daddy. I want my four kids to fight! I want my four kids to eat dinner together.

But the truth is, for now, my three kids will do all of these things and our fourth child will provide a different kind of relationship to their brothers and sister. What exactly? I don't know. Something I do not have control over. But God in His power.....does.

"Be exalted, O LORD, in your strength; we will sing and praise your might."

~Psalm 21:13

-Summer

a long day

2009-11-26T00:11:00.001-06:00

Sitting in bed after a long day, needing to fall asleep. My thoughts are racing over all the emotions that my heart felt throughout the day. The busyness and rush of the morning, the doctors office and hearing the results. Feelings of hope,disappointment, anger, sad, surrender and hope again. Then spending over 8 straight hours at church in preparation for and participating in our Thanksgiving Eve night of worship. During the preparation, I was able to have a few quiet moments of personal worship time - a time needed so much on a day that held so much. At one point, I was unsure I would be even up for leading the service. But God is good and empowering.

I asked for prayer for today's appointment and ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed no change with the baby. We were also unable to determine the baby's gender. For some reason, God is saying "Wait". That is so hard.

We do have a praise - the placenta has begun to move and is no longer complete. Please pray that it continues to move so that Summer could deliver the baby naturally.

Thank you for your prayers.

Prayer Request Update

2009-11-24T22:18:00.000-06:00

Hey all - we covet your prayers as we go in to see the OB again on Wednesday. They will perform an ultrasound. We are praying that the placenta has moved and that Summer would no longer have placenta previa. We are also praying that we will be able to know the gender of this baby so that we can begin praying for him or her by name. We believe this will help me and our other children have a greater connection to the baby for the short amount of time we will know him/her.

God's Providence Through Song

2009-11-19T09:27:00.000-06:00

Every now and then, a song comes along that ministers to you in the moment. It may not be the best written song of the decade, but it nevertheless contains that special word, phrase or meaning that sings for you what you are feeling and cannot sing for yourself in your groaning.

Many of you may know about the tragic death of Steven Curtis Chapman's little girl, Maria. If not, go here to read the story. I remember lifting up in prayer the Chapman family the day she died. Out of that loss came this song of hope from this long-time singer, song-writer.

Whom have I on Earth or in Heaven but Thee?

2009-11-14T21:14:00.002-06:00

I love the words of the 4th verse of this hymn, "Pass Me Not, O Gentle Savior":

   Thou the Spring of all my comfort,
   More than life to me,
   Whom have I on earth beside Thee?
   Whom in Heav’n but Thee?

   Savior, Savior,
   Hear my humble cry;
   While on others Thou art calling,
   Do not pass me by.

On November 9th

2009-11-11T14:44:00.004-06:00

Someone asked me a profound question today. As I was telling this stranger about the past month of our lives, she asked me how much longer was this journey going to be. I quickly answered 11 more weeks. Later I was reflecting on how insufficient my answer really was. Eleven more weeks marks the due date and end date of our childs life. However, it does not mark the end of our grieving. Also it does not mark the time of how this life will affect others for Christ for eternity.

Rachel sent me a devotional today that was titled "Where Victory Begins" written by James MacDonald and based off of the following passage from Matthew 26:

"And going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will." And he came to the disciples and found them sleeping. And he said to Peter, "So, could you not watch with me one hour? Watch and pray that you may not enter into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak." Again, for the second time, he went away and prayed, "My Father, if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done."

MacDonald challenges readers to see if they will either embrace or resist Christ in the midst of the trial they are in. Choosing to embrace involves submission to do what is hard but right. Choosing to resist the trial is what MacDonald sees as easier because we allow our pride to get in the way of God's purposes.

Today, I choose to embrace and surrender. I choose to do what is hard in the suffering and grief that we will be facing for a lifetime here on earth. We serve a God that is good. I believe that full heartedly. My prayer is that you too (whoever is reading this) will come to this same knowledge and truth. Obviously we did not choose this trial. I actually do remember praying not too long ago for our faith to be strengthened. What an avenue God chose for us! But my choice to surrender to Him leaves me on the solid foundation of God's unfailing love for us and the victory that I have in His resurrection and life inside me.

- Summer

The Decision Confirmed

2009-11-09T21:29:00.006-06:00

The phone was literally ringing off the hook for the first four days after we found out. Thank goodness for caller ID. I felt loved by the amount of care we were receiving but overwhelmed. The only calls we took were from doctors offices.

My OB was out of town that week so I took a call from one of her partners the day after we found out. We had three friends over at the time who came to give hugs and pray. As I took the call upstairs the doctor confirmed my decision to carry the baby full term. She said, "you have three children at home right"? I said, yes. And she followed with, " I don't know why you would put your three other children at risk with deciding not to terminate this pregnancy."

I had just asked her to CLEARLY define what the risks for me carrying the baby were with my placenta previa. Basically from what I understood is that there was a tiny possibility that my placenta would rupture. I could also have complications due to the surgery IF I were to have a c-section. It is still a possibility that the placenta could move and that I could have a natural delivery. I was more than mad. I hung up the phone and fell apart in disguist of the medical "ethics". I had told the doctor that I didn't feel that it was my place to stop the baby's heart and do a DandE even though I knew the outcome of the babys arrival would be death.. What she didn't entertain though, was that people also have complications due to abortions as well. This is what infuriated me so much. I had been warned that our American doctors have all the book knowledge in the world, but are missing one crucial part of knowledge. The knowledge of my God. What and who Jesus is to me can not be separated from ANY decision I ever make. This decision was no different.

-Summer

Week 25 Prayer Requests

2009-11-09T13:56:00.000-06:00

We continue to praise God for the encouragement and prayer we have received from so many friends and family and people we don't even know.

Our prayer requests continue to be the same as in weeks past. Please also add that we would be able to get restful sleep, especially for Summer. The stress of the unknown and the possibilities of the future weigh heavily. This is a difficult road that Summer is on. As a man I can barely have the faintest clue of what she is going through. Although I mourn greatly for the loss which we know is coming, she is the one that must carry this child, experiencing all the pains of pregnancy and childbirth, all along knowing that the end result will not be the exhilarating and joy-filled experience of holding a healthy baby in your arms and taking the baby home. She will not get to savor the times of nurturing this infant into toddlerhood and beyond.

We know that God has prepared us for this moment in time, but it is still painful and difficult. Please pray for peace, sleep, love, strength, endurance, perseverance, patience in our marriage and with our children, and patience with others. And that above all God would be glorified in our interactions with each other and with others and in our interaction with the trial that is now ours to endure.

Boy Was I Wrong

2009-11-08T19:51:00.003-06:00

The day after we found out, I was loading the dishwasher and came across a couple of sippy cups. As I unscrewed off the lids, tears streamed down my face in the realization that Will was soon to be done with them and graduate to a "big boy cup" and our family would be done with sippy's. As I came upstairs later that day, I stopped myself from entering Ellie's room where the baby crib had been vacant waiting for baby number four's arrival. How permanently vacant it was now. I couldn't stand to see it so I asked Rick to take it down.

You see, mourning this baby's death has been two fold for me. I wasn't all that excited to say the least about welcoming a fourth child into our home. I had always wanted four children, but four kids in six years was pretty overwhelming to me. I remember crying in fear in a few of my prayer times with friends wondering how on earth I was going to do it. I actually said the words, "I don't want this baby". One of my friends who is a fourth child to whose parents also went through these same fears jokinglly said, "boy, were they wrong" in not wanting me!.

I knew God would carry us through having a fourth, but it was still impossible for me to wrap my mind around a newborn thrown into our full lives of full time ministry.

Oh what I would do to watch this child grow! Boy was I wrong. Here is where I need to fully put my hope in God. This baby is His. He has decided to entrust this little one to Rick and our family for a short time for HIS glory. It still is so painful.

- Summer

Week 24 Update and Prayer Requests

2009-11-05T14:11:00.001-06:00

Many people ask: "How can I be praying?" We are truly grateful for your prayers - His strength is what will sustain us and knowing that our friends and family are coming alongside us through prayer greatly encourages us.

Summer and I saw the OB on Monday. While many of our questions were answered, the overall outcome remains the same. We heard our baby's strong heartbeat and Summer continues to feel the kicks. The baby is a healthy baby except with no kidneys and undeveloped lungs. We won't know how the placenta is doing until Nov. 25th. We are also praying that we will be able to find out the baby's gender so that we can start praying for him or her by name.

The delivery time frame has been set, barring any emergencies. Summer will deliver the baby, either via C-section, or inducing, during the 36th week - around January 25th.

Here are our latest prayer requests:

1) Pray that the placenta moves - this will determine delivery method and also take away the threat of it rupturing.

2) Pray for continued peace and rest in our family.

3) Pray for the grandparents - it has been said that grandparents who loose a grandchild grieve twice - for the loss of the grandchild and for their children's grief. This is a heavy burden to carry.

4) There will be many decisions made in the next couple of months during the busiest time of the year for me. Please pray that I would manage time well and have the right priorities set - that I am the husband that Summer needs in this time and the father my living children need.

Thank you for praying.

Blessings - Let's call her Twirly

2009-11-05T09:48:00.003-06:00

Sometimes in the midst of pain, you really need to see the blessings in life.

So - a few "blessings" to share:

Last weekend was costume time - our kids went as Batman, Catwoman and Robin. And Robin's costume is completely homemade! (well - except for the eye mask) Don't tell anyone, but mommy and daddy have enjoyed some of the fruit of their trick-or-treating labor.

Yesterday we took the family to the Shedd Aquarium. What a great time!!! And, thanks to a pass that Caden received last year in school, the whole family got in to all special exhibits and the museum for free! What might have been a $150 outing - was only the $5 we paid for meter parking and the gas to get us there. Below is a picture of Penguin Will at the Penguin Polar Playland exhibit (yes - ideas are already spinning for next year's halloween costumes).

Ellie announced last week that not only will the baby be a girl, but that the baby's name will be Twirly. We all laughed.

These were needed breaks that help to refocus our thoughts on the present, and off of what the future holds. Jesus understood this all too well - "do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own". (Matt 6:34)

'Tis So Sweet

2009-11-03T23:40:00.000-06:00

I know - a strange title for such a painful time in our lives. Summer and I have said since this journey began 3 weeks ago today that it is our prayer that all that we do and say would glorify the Father, even in the midst of our grief. This strength can only come from trusting a Savior who is mightier than ourselves.

This week I came across a hymn I haven't sung for a couple of years - 'Tis So Sweet to Trust in Jesus.

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His word, just to rest upon His promise, just to know, “Thus saith the Lord.”

O how sweet to trust in Jesus, just to trust His cleansing blood, just in simple faith to plunge me ’neath the healing, cleansing flood!

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus, just from sin and self to cease, just from Jesus simply taking life and rest and joy and peace.

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee, Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend; and I know that Thou art with me, wilt be with me to the end.

Chorus: Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him! How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er! Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus! O for grace to trust Him more!

"Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His word..." may seem like shallow, mindless words spoken from a implausible faith. However, the woman who wrote these words had just lost her husband in a horrible drowning accident. "As Louisa Stead, her husband and their little daughter were enjoying an ocean side picnic one day, a drowning boy cried for help. Mr. Stead rushed to save him but was pulled under by the terrified boy. Both drowned as Louisa and her daughter watched helplessly. During the sorrowful days that followed, the words of this hymn came from the grief stricken wife’s heart".(Osbeck, K. W.) "Louisa was left without any means of support and she and her daughter were quickly in dire poverty. One day when there was no food in the house and no money to purchase any, Louisa opened the front door to find someone had left groceries and money sitting there for her. That same day she sat down and wrote 'Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus...'".

These are words that could be only spoken out of brokenness. In recent days I have come to understand with greater meaning how sweet it is to trust in Jesus, just as Louisa had. This is the blessedness which Jesus spoke of in Matthew 5: "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for they will inherit the kingdom of Heaven." It is only when you allow yourself to completely surrender that which you knew you didn't posses all along - control - to the One Person who has all "power and authority in heaven and on earth". That's when you become poor in spirit. Sometimes it takes an event like Louisa's - a death of a loved one. Certainly Summer and I have experienced brokeness in recent weeks, but at the same time, I feel as though there is so much more I need to be broken of, so much more I need to surrender.

God will continue to bring the sanctifying experiences into our lives - they are different for every person. Not everyone needs a death of a child to draw them closer to God - but everyone will experience times of fire and trial. These come not because God loves to see His creation suffer. He doesn't cause it - He didn't cause our child to have Potters Syndrome. The same love in which He gave His Son to die on our behalf is the same love that allows us to choose to believe in Him (instead of forcing us to choose Him). It is also the same love that allows, not causes, death and pain to happen. He allowed Adam and Eve to sin and this sin brought about disease and death. So then - the same love that allows choice also allows pain.

For sure, the pain that is experienced by all can be used for good - but this brings me back to the trust part. The only way that pain can truly bring about good for people is for people to trust in Jesus. Romans 8:28 states that, "...we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him...". This is the hope which Summer and I have - that God is working this out for our good, and it is through our love of and trust in Jesus that allows the good to be demonstrated in our lives. This is the sweetness of trusting in Jesus - and our lives have and will continue to prove Him over and over, not because of anything that we have done or will do, but because of what He has done for us.

Is the pain still real and present in our lives? Yes. But if it were not for the pain, the little boy who got his hand too close to the fire would not know his hand were burnt and would thus not cry out for his parents to come, to help heal the wound and hold him in his pain as a parent does so many times for their hurting child. Without the pain, he might not know when his hand becomes infected from the burn and he could loose it.

In the same way, we cry out to our Heavenly Father to come - heal our wound and soothe us by holding us close. In this we become poor, acknowledging that He is the only One who can heal and hold us and we maintain our whole self (body and soul) without loosing a part. And, according to Matthew 5, that is a blessed place to be.

Carrying Through

2009-10-30T22:25:00.006-05:00

The long drive home was filled with tears and lots of unanswered questions. We called a couple of our close friends to see if they could meet us at our house so we could share the news. Our good friend Rachel said words in a prayer that remain with me two weeks later. She prayed that God would "carry us through this time" and for God's peace. In the long past two weeks of our life, I have not once felt that God wasn't carrying us through this with His amazing peace. Yes, the pain remains, but I have not wavered once from trusting and knowing that our God is sovereign and that His plan for this baby's life is far greater then my plan for this baby ever was. Even if the life is short lived.

People pray for a miracle of kidneys to form. My prayer for a miracle is that Jesus would take this baby in His time. Sometimes the miracle is Jesus calling us home to be with Him. What a picture of hope that is for me as a mother. How could I be so selfish to want to keep this baby here on earth since God's plan is not only different then mine, but the perfect plan.

- Summer

Rejoice, Be Patient, Pray

2009-10-29T07:17:00.001-05:00

I was reading Romans 12:12 yesterday where it states to be "patient in tribulation" - this is surrounded by "Rejoice in hope" and "be constant in prayer" followed by the command to serve the saints through hospitality. This is a reminder that while our pain is real and while we are in the middle of this trial, the way through the trial is twofold: 1)to rejoice in the hope of Romans 8; and 2)a life and attitude of constant conversation with our Father (1 Thess 5:17). All the while not to become so self-focused in our grief that we neglect serving others.

I can certainly see why people who go through a loss of any kind could become so self-absorbed. I have experienced times of self-pity and self-focus since we have heard the news. There was a time I could not see myself serving anyone else ever again. Thankfully those times, when they come upon me, have been fairly short-lived.

A life rooted in Christ, no matter the trial, will be refocused by the Holy Spirit toward things above: The Hope of Heaven (2 Cor 4:18, Col. 3). A life focused on things above takes the eyes off of the temporary things that can seemingly surround and offer no hope. Truly, it is a gift of the Holy Spirit to be able to grieve, to allow ourselves to grieve, and to be able to serve and bring glory to God through the grief.

My prayer is for all who experience loss that they would not lose focus of the hope we have in Christ. Christ is the only hope in this world. John 14:6 - Jesus said, "I am the way, the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me".

Our Baby Will Be Beautiful

2009-10-27T12:47:00.000-05:00

"Your baby will be beautiful" were some of the first words out of the neonatal doctor's mouth as he sat with us today and helped us process what is to come. We found a very compassionate and caring doctor and nurse at our hospital today and through them felt God's reassuring hand on our lives.

It's not that we needed a doctor to tell us our baby is beautiful - God's Word says that every person, no matter how small, is wonderfully made. To negate the beauty of any person, no matter what their state, is to negate the Imago Dei and in turn tell our Creator that He is not beautiful.

What those words mean - "Your baby will be beautiful" - coming from the medical profession and regardless of their beliefs, proclaims a beautiful creation by a beautiful God.

Through it all we trust in Jesus and His promises. It's not a crutch - for we trusted in Jesus before we needed a crutch. It's not false hope, for time and time again He has proven in our lives that there is hope beyond our imaginations. It's because His truth has been revealed through the Son whom sacrificed much for us and for the little baby who will experience moments in this life before passing into the other, most wonderful life.

The following prayer excerpt is from "The Valley of Vision" entitled "Truth in Jesus":

May the truth that is in Him
illuminate in me all that is dark,
establish in me all that is wavering,
comfort in me all that is wretched,
accomplish in me all that is Thy goodness,
and glorify in me the name of Jesus.

I pass through a vale of tears
but bless Thee for the opening gate of glory at its end.

Enable me to realize as mine the better, heavenly country.

Prepare me for every part of my pilgrimage.

Uphold my steps by Thy Word.

Let no iniquity dominate me.

Teach me that Christ cannot be the way if I am the end,
that He cannot be Redeemer if I am my own saviour,
that there can be no true union with Him
while the creature has my heart,
that faith accepts Him as Redeemer and Lord or not at all.

Week 23 Update and Prayer Requests

2009-10-26T16:46:00.001-05:00

Thank you all for your continued prayer coverage over our family. On the schedule for tomorrow morning (October 27th) is an appointment with the the head of the neonatal department at the hospital where we are hoping to deliver. This will be a very difficult appointment as we begin discussing and thinking through the birth plan - the instructions that will be given to the medical staff who will be present at the time of delivery.

We also ask that you continue to pray for the placenta to move. Pray also that when we have our next ultrasound, we will be able to determine the gender of our baby. For some reason, I need that to feel more connected to this child by name and to pray for him or her by name.

We do take comfort in the fact that God has known this baby and his/her name since before the foundations of the world were laid.

- Rick

Without Stain

2009-10-22T19:41:00.008-05:00

Summer and I have been so comforted by knowing how much prayer has been offered on behalf of the baby and our family. We discovered today that there are prayer warriors not only in several churches and several states praying for us, but also in Russia, England, South Africa and Honduras.

What incredible care and love the Church offers in our time of need through their prayers. We are deeply humbled.

We would ask that you continue to pray for a miracle. We believe that if God can raise the dead and heal the blind, then He can also create the kidneys in our little baby. We trust that God will be glorified, either through the miracle of good health, or through the miracle of the testimony of His Word in our lives reaching those who might not know Him as Savior.

A friend shared the C.S. Lewis quote below with me today and I pray that it is an encouragement to all who are going through or have recently gone through a trial. Even though we will experience great pain, God has equipped those in the midst of the fire to be able to experience great joy. It is only when we are in the lowliest of places that we can look up and see the great loftiness of an Almighty and Sovereign God who deeply cares for the lowly in their suffering and hurt.

“God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain”
~CS Lewis

Sad

2009-10-22T07:16:00.000-05:00

The other day I wanted so badly to hold a sleeping baby in my arms. There is nothing like it. The smell, the little sounds that make their way through the baby, the feeling of the baby’s chest going up and down in your arms, the tiny feet and fingers, the realization that sweeps over you that this baby is completely dependent upon you for life.

I am sad. The work of the ministry has been a distraction this week, but I still come home to the painful reality of what is.

We are incredibly blessed to have three healthy children, yet this somehow doesn’t offset the pain that I feel. My heart still aches for the loss I will experience in this unborn baby whom I won’t get to see scrape a knee, wrestle with siblings, and experience life in the fullest.

Week 22 Update

2009-10-19T15:53:00.000-05:00

Summer finally had the opportunity to talk with her OB today. God is so good in providing such a caring OB who took the time, ignoring her pager, to spend as much time as Summer needed over the phone.

Here are the updates and prayer requests. It is good for me to start with praises:

PRAISES

1.We are able to deliver at the hospital we desire: Good Shepherd Hospital

2.The placenta has a higher chance of moving than we originally thought, if it moves, then this would enable Summer to have a less risky natural delivery rather than C-section.

3.The OB told Summer that she is a Christian and has clearly shown empathy and sorrow toward Summer. In other words, to the OB Summer is not just another patient with complications – but a real, hurting person.

4.With Placenta Previa, there is always a risk for rupture, but the OB did not seemed too concerned with it and that Summer could continue with most of what life demanded from her, including lifting the kids (when no one else was there to help) and working out on the elliptical (if you know Summer – you know that exercise is a key ingredient for her physical and mental health).

5.After x-rays we discovered that Ellie does not have a broken wrist from an accident involving a chair last night.

PRAYER REQUESTS

1.God’s hand of protection on Summer.

2.A miracle of healing for the baby, if He so wills it.

3.For the placenta to move.

4.For all we come into contact with in the medical profession to see our faith lived out in action.

5.For Caden, our oldest, as he deals with the grief. For us as parents to help him channel it in better ways.

6.For Ellie, as she recovers from a sprained or strained wrist.

Other news from the doctor:
We will have an ultrasound at 28 weeks (week of Nov. 23) to check on baby and placenta and determine the next step from there. Again an ultrasound at around 32 weeks (week of Dec. 21) and then the final one before a hopeful, natural delivery at around 36 weeks (week of January 18).

God has provided a Christian ministry called The Haven Network, a perinatal hospice, to walk with us through this trial. We praise God for His providence of such care for us.

Your words of encouragement and prayers have meant so much to us. Our church (both local and worldwide) is and has been so wonderful and a blessing. We don’t know what we would do without the prayers, encouragement and acts of service of the saints.

I end with this verse that a friend recently shared with me:

"The steps of a man are established by the Lord, and He delights in His way, when he falls he will not be hurled headlong, because the Lord is the one who holds his hand." Psalm 37:23,24

October 13th Began with Hope

2009-10-19T07:57:00.000-05:00

October 13th began with hope.

We did the usual rigmarole with getting our kids ready for school – Caden had to be at the bus stop by 8:15, Ellie and I needed to be in the car by 8:40 to go pick up her friend and then head to pre-school by 9:00.

I got up a few minutes earlier that morning and decided to make waffles for everyone – not my usual habit, but I enjoy making breakfast for the whole family once in a while. Summer was still working out at Cardinal.

During breakfast and getting dressed we talked about what today was going to bring – we were going to find out the sex of our baby! We had it all planned out – family style! We would ask the doctor to write the gender of our baby on a piece of paper and put it in an envelope – and Summer and I would suspensefully wait all day until we picked Caden up from the bus stop. The proud first grade reader that he is (or more like the proud parents of our 1st grade reader), Caden would read the piece of paper letting our whole family know. I was going to video tape it and put it up on Facebook as our announcement.

I dropped off the girls at pre-school, headed home to help Summer get Will ready so the 3 of us could all go to the ultrasound appointment. I sensed God drawing me to read Psalm 139 during this time, but I was too busy to sit and read it, so I put it off till later.

We arrived at the appointment, waiting for a few minutes in the waiting room while we all watched Elmo on the TV. Then we were called in. The tech began the ultrasound – I whipped out my camera to take some video, but the tech told me I had to put it away. Will was being unusually clingy to mom, so he got to lay down right next to her as the tech performed the ultrasound.

She looked inside mommy for about 5 minutes, which seemed short to me. Throughout all of our pregnancies, this was at least the sixth time we had been through an ultrasound and they usually lasted much longer. Before she finished up, she said she was unable to determine gender. To which we were disappointed – we were all set to get rid of either old boy clothes or girl clothes from the older siblings, depending upon the sex. We were going to purchase a bunk bed for Ellie if she was going to have a little sister. We were going to tell family and friends who wanted to purchase something special for the baby.

But as the tech left, I began sensing something else even worse than not being able to determine gender. It was just too quick – the scanning. Granted, every office probably does things a little different. But I couldn’t shake the feeling that something just didn’t seem right.

Summer had been saying this for a few weeks now. Something just didn’t seem right. By the time you are pregnant with your fourth, you feel like you are somewhat a pro at this game. You know what to expect – you know what’s coming next. You're ready, although not happy, for the morning sickness and restless nights because of a belly getting big. You're ready for people to come up and touch your belly and ask, "When are you due?". You know exactly how to distinguish the shadows on the ultrasound picture for what is your baby and can even, almost instantly, see the gender of the baby. You’re ready for the emotion filled experience you will have at the hospital, awaiting the arrival of your little one and then the long hours of being up at night, trying to figure out what it is that will soothe this baby to sleep.

But this was different. She was carrying differently than the other pregnancies. She had a lower weight gain. With each sequential pregnancy, she would feel the baby kick earlier and earlier and with greater frequency each time. But now in week 21, she had only felt a few kicks, usually when she put a greater amount of pressure on her pregnant belly.

She kept asking the doctors and nurses – and they just kept saying that every pregnancy is different and that as long as we heard the heartbeat, there was not much else to worry about. We were forced to take comfort in hearing that pulsating sound come over fetal monitor.

The doctor came in a few minutes after the tech left. He introduced himself and then said he needed to be frank with us, that there is something serious with our baby. He then went on to tell us that there were no kidneys, that a condition of this nature was fatal.

Serious. Fatal. The words ring through my head and heart. I sat there, the tears welling up, the words, “O God”, several times, a call out to the God whose grace is sufficient, barely noticeable as they crossed my lips. My hand reaching her hand, my other one around Will as I now console my wife, experience my own grief and needing to make sure Will was content enough to remain quiet as the doctor began to talk to us and take another look inside mommy’s tummy.

I hardly remember the next few moments, except one big moment of grief. The doctor was talking to us and showing us what the ultrasound picture displayed. The place where the kidneys should be was completely void. Nothing at all. Not a trace of anything. The heart (I could see 4 chambers) was beating, but there were no arteries coming off of the heart to where the kidneys should be. He then explained that there was no amniotic fluid surrounding the baby. I would later find out that the kidneys begin producing this substance around 12 weeks gestation and that amniotic fluid is crucial for the development of the lungs and other vital parts and that the lungs would be small. The baby was measuring about a week or two behind where it should be. Gender would not be able to be determined because the baby was curled up in a ball inside the womb.

In addition, another complication had occurred. Summer’s placenta, that life-giving source for the baby, was enlarged and in the wrong place. Called placenta previa, Summer’s was what they called “complete” or type IV. It was on the bottom part of the womb, completely covering the cervix. We would find out later that this meant she would not be able to deliver vaginally, but would need a C-section if the placenta did not move naturally. In a healthy pregnancy with plenty of amniotic fluid as a cushion, the placenta might move, but the chances in this unhealthy pregnancy were slim.

There were questions asked, answers given over the next few minutes as he continued to gather some measurements. I’m not sure what those were. I cried. Summer cried. In one of the most tender ways, Will reached up and grabbed Mommy’s hand. He knew she hurt. It was his way of saying, as we so often do when he hurts, “It will be ok mommy. I’m here and I love you.”

The doctor finished the ultrasound and then led us to his office to answer our questions and to tell us our “options”. Again, I’m not sure I remember much of what happened in there. I remember the doctor going over again what was wrong with the baby. I remember Will getting anxious and needing us to play with him as we were unable to – the doctor whipped out his iPhone, found a movie and let Will watch it. Summer began taking notes. I just sat there, not believing it was us in that room, not believing the conversation that was taking place, waiting for the night to end and to wake up from a dream.

What I would learn later upon further research is that our baby has what is called, Bilateral Renal Agenesis. According to Wikipedia and confirmed by other sources, tt is the uncommon and serious failure of both a fetus' kidneys to develop during gestation, and is one causative agent of Potter sequence (or Potter’s Syndrome). This absence of kidneys causes oligohydramnios, a deficiency of amniotic fluid in a pregnant woman, which can place extra pressure on the developing baby and cause further malformations. This occurs to approximately one out of 5000 babies and is probably caused by a genetic disorder. Why this baby and not our first three, we don’t know. Caden and Ellie, our older two, had renal hydronephrosis, which basically means that too much fluid is in the kidneys. This condition worked itself out over time, yet the doctor thought it to be curious and that there may be a link.

The doctor told us we had two options: 1) Electively Terminate the pregnancy; or 2) Carry the baby till between 32 – 36 weeks and deliver by C-Section a baby that will most likely die within an hour or two.

This is where abstract theology becomes so concrete you either stand or fall off of it. This is the fire of 1 Corinthians 3. What’s my foundation? Do I really believe the things that I have taught?

Who am I?

We made the choice in that office, yet the doctor would not hear it. He told us to go home and think about it. We were not in the mindset to argue and we got up and walked out of that doctor’s office into a whole new life. Tears falling out of us with each step.

We made it to the van, sat down and we wailed in our mourning. I don’t know how long we were in that parking lot doing that, but I know nothing else mattered. Will was in his carseat and I have no idea what he thought and I didn’t even have the thought to look at his face. We just wailed. We had experienced no greater pain than this. Then, barely able to speak and do anything, I did what God had wanted me to do that morning before we left. I opened the Bible to Psalm 139 and read of His love and care for the baby that He is creating inside Summer – reading and pausing to cry in between words and sentences.

We had to drive home – a 45 minute trip. I cried the whole way. As we left, Summer had realized that we had forgotten the only ultrasound picture that was printed of our baby and, wanting the only thing that could link us (especially me) to this baby, she went back in to get it. As she asked for it, the tech told her, “It will be really hard for the next couple of days, but it will get better with time”, to which Summer responded, “I know it will be hard, but we know God and God will be faithful to see us through this.” She wanted to sarcastically respond, “Really? Do you really know the pain will only last a couple of days?”

As I pulled out onto the main road, I saw a truck – a kind I have never seen before. It was a casket company delivery truck and I instantly became aware of what all this meant – we were about to plan our baby’s birth and funeral.

In those moments of grief, clarity somehow pushes its way to the surface and suddenly I realized the things that mattered most in my life. My wife and children. Nothing, nothing else matter. I couldn’t care less about my responsibilities as a pastor, about all the deadlines and goals and meetings, leading worship, teaching and preaching. In those moments after hearing the news and for the next few days nothing else would matter except to be with my family and to hold them close. In those moments of grief the thoughts kept coming to me that if I lived a long life and died just doing holding my family close, I would die a very happy man.

A friend brought a book by to read to me to lead us into prayer. We didn’t get to read that book, but he forgot it at our house and I found it the other day. I picked it up and the words spoke into my existence the pain and hope that my heart could not speak. The Valley of Vision, a collection of prayers from the Puritans. There is no other book of prayers like this one and no other prayer that speaks my heart to my Father as this one:

“Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory. Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision. Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy joy in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty, Thy glory in my valley.”

National Day of Prayer

2009-05-07T13:41:00.000-05:00

Today is the National Day of Prayer. In 1863, Abraham Lincoln requested this nation "to abstain, on that day, from their ordinary secular pursuits, and to unite, at their several places of public worship and their respective homes, in keeping the day holy to the Lord, and devoted to the humble discharge of the religious duties proper to that solemn occasion."

As a servant of the Gospel, I have come to recognize, and at an alarming rate, that there stands in our midst an adversary and that our lives are surrounded with adversity. Whatever manifestations of adversity are found in your life and whatever confrontations you have with the adversary, the common denominator to determining your altitude of peace is the attitude of your heart when found on your knees. The attitude of a pray-er acknowledges God’s sovereignty, and man’s depravity. God’s wise will and man’s foolish plans. God’s sure strength and man’s fallible weaknesses. God gave us the vehicle of prayer for one purpose: Unity. For it is in prayer which we will be united to our Creator and His will, and it is in prayer which we can be united as a church. And this is the altitude of peace, found in a humbled heart and on bended knees, which can face any adversary and adversity which comes its way. My prayer on this National Day of Prayer would be that you would continue, steadfastly, in prayer for and with each other everyday and that we would humbly submit to our Creator, Jesus Christ, and His perfect will for our lives and for the future of this blessed nation.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12

Hast Thou No Scar?

2009-05-04T12:34:00.001-05:00

This is a poem I recently read in a message I gave on Matthew 13:44-46. I'm posting it here in case anyone wanted to read it:

Hast thou no scar?
No hidden scar on foot, or side, or hand?
I hear thee sung as mighty in the land;
I hear them hail thy bright, ascendant star.
Hast thou no scar?

Hast thou no wound?
Yet I was wounded by the archers; spent,
Leaned Me against a tree to die; and rent
By ravening beasts that compassed Me, I swooned.
Hast thou no wound?

No wound? No scar?
Yet, as the Master shall the servant be,
And piercèd are the feet that follow Me.
But thine are whole; can he have followed far
Who hast no wound or scar?

BY AMY CARMICHAEL

Repentance by Issac Watts

2009-03-19T11:29:00.001-05:00

HYMN 106

O, if my soul were formed for woe,

How would I vent my sighs!

Repentance should like rivers flow

From both my streaming eyes.

'Twas for my sins my dearest Lord

Hung on the cursed tree,

And groaned away a dying life

For thee, my soul, for thee.

O, how I hate those lusts of mine

That crucified my God!

Those sins that pierced and nailed his flesh

Fast to the fatal wood!

Yes, my Redeemer, they shall die,

My heart has so decreed;

Nor will I spare the guilty things

That made my Savior bleed.

Whilst, with a melting, broken heart,

My murdered Lord I view,

I'll raise revenge against my sins,

And slay the murd'rers too.

Thrones

2009-03-17T08:28:00.000-05:00

Two thrones. Two approaches. Two responses. Two paths.

The two thrones
Pardon or imprisonment
Charity or robbery
Reprieve or blame

The two approaches
Humility or pride
Submission or contention
Affinity or enmity

The two responses
Joy or grief
Peace or dissonance
Satisfaction or want

The two paths
Freedom or bondage
Growth or decay
Life or death

Which throne have you encountered? Which throne do you come back to? One will fade fast. One will never fade away.

"Let us have confidence, then, and approach God’s throne, where there is grace. There we will receive mercy and find grace to help us just when we need it." Heb. 4:16

Whose Reality Is It?

2008-09-10T08:42:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since my last post and wisely so - what's the use in posting something up here for all to read unless it is worthy to read. Here's something I think is worthy to read:

In my talk with God this morning, I read Proverbs 3:5-6. I wrote this prayer based on that passage:

“God, help me to trust in You, not in the way I think things are, but in the Way You see them to be.”

We need to trust in God’s reality, rather than our perception of reality. If I had understood this as a young Christian in college, I don’t think my road toward maturity would have been quite so bumpy and curvy. Notice in these verses that when we trust in God’s view of reality and acknowledge His reality, then our path will be made straight – in other words, His guidance in our lives will be clear as a sunny day. But when we trust in what we think reality is, then His guidance will be far off – His light will be at a distance – and we will get off the straight way toward holiness because we can’t see what straight really is. And after a while we begin to like the bumpy and curvy road, when in God's reality, it does not truly satisfy us, because (in God's reality) it delays our ETA toward holiness and true fellowship with God. We are not satisfied because we are not living in the way we were created to be - holy, or wholly. Holiness brings wholeness to us. When we are not wholly, then there is tension. When there is tension, there is lack of satisfaction. When there is dissatisfaction, there is frustration. When there is frustration, there is hopelessness. When there is hopelessness, there is death.

Why should I trust in how I think things are? Why not trust in something, or Someone, Who is not bound by the limits of time or space?

In that trust there is satisfaction - yes, a hurdle built of faith to leap over - but a deep satisfaction.

Chastened and Encouraged

2008-05-21T15:35:00.000-05:00

I love attending conferences where the Word of God is preached and it stings and hurts... where my heart is being chastened and my soul encouraged. As was true of the Desiring God conference in February, the Moody Bible Institute's Pastors Conf. is making lasting impact upon my heart, to be tested by time.

I am encouraged to continue to preach the Gospel for what it is: Good News. And to put the priority of disciple making over all things in my ministry (above worship leading and preaching - or perhaps incorporated into both)- for this was Jesus' calling in Matthew 28.

Marked by grace and His strength.

The Grace Effect

2008-05-09T11:21:00.001-05:00

What is the Grace Effect?

It is what marks my life. It is the sustaining and absolute strength which can only come from one Source. With it I am empowered to do all things according to the Plan. As far as the person who I have become, without it I am not.

Much like Moses, I am called to a task that demands far greater than what I can give. Much like Jonah, my basic instinct is to fly like a bat out of a cave. Much like the disciples stuck in the boat as Jesus walked on water, I too would desire to stay stuck, only to watch Peter.

But the calling? The calling is to go. The calling is to take chances. The calling is to take risks.

This blog shares my testimony - of life caught in the Grace Effect. A place of joy and fear, excitement and danger. Because the water is deep, but His strength is sure. And His strength is grace.

Join me in experiencing The Grace Effect.